dec.20.07
I’ve been away for months healing from a back injury.
It's good to be back in time for Christmas and New Year's.
It was another wake up call that life is short
and you have to live every day to the fullest,
because you don't know what could happen
from one day to the next.
You have to make your life count.

mar.26.07
I’ve had a few frustrations starting up my own business.
But I take comfort in this story… years ago,
a Canadian actress was talking to a filmmaker at a party in Hollywood,
and he asked how things were going, and she said, “Great!
I’m getting lots of work, acting in commercials, getting paid.”
She asked how things were going for him, and he said, “Terrible!
We built a huge mechanical fish and it keeps breaking apart,
the filming is taking longer than expected,
and the people financing the project aren’t happy.”
The filmmaker was Steven Spielberg.
I guess everyone has more problems starting a business than just getting jobs.

jan.9.07
Most of the problems in the world
are created by
problems in the human heart.
We have the resources to solve our problems,
but we don't have the character,
and maybe we don't have the courage either...
ultimately... only God can save us.

dec.21.06

dec.21.06
I think I've seen hell,
and I've seen heaven,
and heaven is much, much better...
for hell all that is required
is to be consumed with selfishness and hatred
and your own ego is your ultimate god...
whereas in heaven you lay aside yourself for a higher purpose,
and I can't even begin to explain
the beauty of every thought...
more than just a dream.

nov.9.06
Some people have such obstacles to overcome in this life
that it almost takes them out.
But you struggle, and you keep trying,
and you keep trying, until you make it.

oct.29.06
Probably what most people need
more than anything else
is a true friend.

oct.27.06
Talent means nothing
if you're not socially conscious.
All I have is a voice...
all I am is a voice.

oct.25.06
I was speaking with an Olympic athlete
and what I envy about the sports industry
is that people take their leadership and fame seriously
and consider it important to be good role models
for the next generation.
What's wrong with the music industry?
Why aren't we like that?

oct.24.06
I have a nagging sense that
nothing I ever do is quite good enough...
but it can't prevent me from trying to express
what I reach for and search for.
In everything I learn, and come closer to understanding truth...
in all my failures I learn.

oct.21.06
It's amazing what doesn't happen
when people don't ask questions.
My laptop CD burner has not worked for ages,
I've been waiting for a part I've ordered for months...
finally my friend took apart my computer,
found a piece of paper with my cousin's phone number on it
in the CD drive, and took it out,
and now it works fine.
The shop had told me it can't be repaired, must be replaced,
and it would have cost me $600 plus taxes.

oct.12.06
I think that one of the purest expressions of love
is found in giving to someone else
a sacrifice of time, a gift, a part of your heart...
this seems to be almost lost in our culture...
a true understanding of selfless love.
A love relationship should be a lifelong romance.
No one seems to know that.
We are a very selfish, self-obsessed culture.
Our values are in individualism and not in community
and to put others before ourselves
is not a part of our mentality or mindset.
I'm not saying anyone should be a doormat.
But how can you understand love
if you never sacrifice something of yourself for someone else
because you truly care about them as much as or more than
yourself?

oct.12.06
The more I think about it,
it seems that what matters the most in this world
is completely invisible.
You can't write down "LOVE" on a piece of paper
and calculate a monetary value...
and you can't go shopping for peace and happiness... can you...?

oct.11.06
I just found out, a childhood friend I've lost touch with
lives ten minutes from me now...
we used to design fashion together for fun,
now she's a visual artist
and I'm a musician.

oct.5.06
Job said it first, then Jars of Clay in a song lyric...
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
Naked I will depart.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away
Blessed be the name of the Lord."
The only thing we really own is our human soul...
everything else comes and goes.

oct.5.06
No one should have to die alone...
no one should live without love.

oct.1.06
One of the questions I have been asking myself lately is
what exactly do I want to be remembered for?

sept.29.06
The most rare quality that impresses me most in people
is integrity.

sept.28.06
Where I live is beautiful... a bit like paradise...
quiet little beaches... trees everywhere...
big gigantic sky overhead...
the weather can be fierce
and it reminds me how small we are as people.

sept.28.06
A good friend once told me everything happens for a reason.
I think the circumstances of my life have finally, completely crushed me,
shattered me inside...
so that whatever my destiny may be, I surrender to it,
because all the fight in me is gone.

sept.26.06
I like to follow my artistic muse.
Mostly it seems to have no idea where it's going.
But it's like a maze, a puzzle, that must be undone.
Questions must be answered...

sept.25.06
There is nothing colder than a cold heart.
But sometimes a warm heart can melt a cold one.

sept.25.06
What really matters in this world is that you love people.

may.31.06
What I find fascinating is that some of the greatest achievements in history
have literally taken an entire lifetime to build and create.
Not a week, not a year, an entire lifetime.
That is commitment.

mar.24.06
I have recently learned that, no different from anyone else,
most people who bring something brilliant to the world
or do something significant or important with their lives
have been motivated by some tragedy which they were forced to overcome.
(Tonight I woke up in a dream remembering how I almost died five months ago.)
I have seen so many people throw their lives away wastefully
to drugs and other things, rather than to turn their circumstances
into something better for themselves, and the people around them, and the world -
and what makes the difference between those who overcome their circumstances
and bring something beautiful out of tragedy
and those who do not, but continue to live and accept failure, is simply this -
FAITH -
a choice to reach for and believe that something could or should be better
rather than to simply accept what has been, and not make any effort to change,
within and to change the circumstances, even if it takes some time to turn things around.

mar.18.06
This is something I wish I could explain to the music and entertainment industry,
and to all people everywhere who think that dishonesty can bring a quick profit,
all the reasons why they are wrong! wrong! wrong! wrong! wrong!!!
"Enlightened wealth is honest wealth - earned with integrity...
It's principled wealth - because there are some things you won't do,
no matter how much money is thrown at you.
It is added-value wealth - money earned where both sides can win.
It is balanced wealth - because all the wealth in the world isn't worth ruining your own family for.
It is leveraged wealth - because when the visible and infinite networks are fully activated -
when the 'light' of all of that cumulative experience and wisdom is focussed on one specific task -
the result always flows lighter, easier, faster. The Enlightened Way is the only way to go..."
(The One Minute Millionaire p.173)
If people are honest with themselves they will find the truth deep inside in their gut feelings.
If they look for the truth - they will find it.

mar.15.06
Something that I think is hilarious,
is if you're in Toronto, and you say that you "freelance",
you mean that you work for everyone.
But if you're in New York or L.A., and you say that you "freelance",
you mean that you're unemployed.

feb.26.06
I'll never forget the day I tried to "fit in".
I was sort of an alternative rocker girl in a preppy high school.
So one day I bought preppy shoes, jeans and shirts,
and wore them to school in September.
The first morning in science class, I heard a voice behind me, "Excuse me, miss..."
I turned around, and a guy with black spiky hair,
black trench coat, and black Doc Martens up to his knees, said,
"Why are you dressed like a prep? You're not a prep."
(I didn't know he actually knew me. I figured he could see right through me.)
That was the last time I tried to fit in.

feb.24.06
I think if you know who you truly are,
and the reasons you do what you do,
if you're always learning and growing,
and you know how to love other people,
you are a truly happy person.

feb.11.06
Today I realized I cant possibly do or learn all the things
that cross my mind, or that I think of,
in my lifetime... I have to choose...
if you step into a new career field its like a whole new world in a video game...
and the more specific choices you make the farther you can go with it...
the irony of it all is that I have finally figured out
that my career is not my life...

feb.7.06
I think I am finally beginning to realize
that life isnt only like driving a bright red race car at blinding speeds,
its more like a plant that grows... and every plant is unique.
It may grow wildly at times but with a little pruning becomes
the beautiful thing it was meant to be.
The reason I realize this, is because most of my disappointments
in the last few years have not been because things didnt happen
but because they didnt happen as quickly as Id hoped.
I realize now that they are happening at a pace of their own...
and more than anything, whats most important, is that I am truly happy,
and this is why life is beautiful
in spite of all the things I used to consider its imperfections.

feb.6.06
One of the things that impressed me most in the book Think And Grow Rich
is the idea that if you can control your thoughts,
you can control the direction of your life.
These days I think many people seem to be lazy and undisciplined
to the point of their own self-destruction...
The people who make it to the top in any industry and stay there,
and people who contribute something great to this world,
are those who build on a solid rock of honesty, integrity and self-discipline.
But I also think, to know my own weaknesses
means I may overcome them,
or at least learn to work around or through them.

jan.26.06
Seriously now. When I was younger I wanted to drive a racecar.
I ended up in the entertainment industry
playing synthesizers and running mixers and recording gear.
Now I look at my life and say if my life were a stock market portfolio
would I put everything into small cap stocks or options trading... no of course not.
Thats what the music industry is like though...
I have a growing interest in different businesses...
it might be nice to keep a few stocks in different industries so to speak.
My attention span has never let me only do one thing at a time anyway.
I think music is my reason, its what makes me tick.
But not being broke is my peace of mind.

jan.6.06
Ive gone to a lot of different schools, but I only
took the classes I wanted to, like keyboard performance.
I didnt see the point in paying for a course I could
get paid to learn, or learn by reading a book.
I recently found out because Id had the highest marks in my high school
I could have had my education more than paid for by scholarships.
No one told me this when I was young.
Someone else got the money when his parents applied
for him, and his family didnt need the money.
The day I found out I cried.
I felt like the guy in Good Will Hunting.
Maybe Ive led a better life, working a lot of different jobs.
Im still paying back my loans for school.
Staying with my family has been heartbreaking at times.
But its been good to see them.

jan.4.06
The first time I tried to write my own music (I was 19), I played it for my piano teacher,
and he asked me, "Is that by Jean Michel Jarre?" and I said, "Who?"
Then I said, "No, it's by, me." After that I found out who Jean Michel Jarre is.
Other than some New Order and Chemical Brother tracks on the radio
and a few mixtapes of what I assumed were obscure British electronic bands,
I hadn't really been exposed to much electronic music at that point.
I had bought my own electronic keyboard, a Kurzweil, to practice my classical lessons,
and was mesmerized by the beautiful electronic sounds.
I stayed up all night to read my first Keyboard and Future Music magazines.
Two years later I was at York University in Toronto,
studying piano improvisation, electronic music, and synthesizer performance...
I found out about Kraftwerk and the whole history of electronic music.
I also quickly discovered house music, breakbeat and drum'n'bass.
I had mixed in electronic influences with my rock bands and fronted my own live electronic band
before I'd even realized there was a quality underground DJ culture, alive and well...
(I had first heard about raves when I was 15, but they were still illegal
and the only people who had offered me a ride then were some shady drug dealers, and I'd declined.)
Soon I found myself promoting club nights and raves with my friends in Toronto.
Some of the DJs taught me how to beatmatch and mix records...
when I finally began to buy my own vinyl, my first track was Zabiela's Dust Dakota Bar Slam on Bedrock.
I had it before they did... a quality house track with some cool scratching and echo effects.

jan.4.06
The reality about being female is that
you always have to be concerned about your own personal safety.
That's not much fun.

jan.1.06
I finally understand how RRSPs work. Everyone should do this!!
Everyone can and should have lots of money when they are old.
Instead of being broke and poor, like most people who dont save any money.
This explains why anyone can retire with lots of money.
click here
(After the first page hit "next page" twice for the second chart.)
And here's a calculator to show how to do it
in little bits and pieces, even if you only work part time.
calculator
another calculator
If you don't like what it says, change the interest rate to see how easy it can be.
Even a little sacrifice now can make a huge difference down the road.
(I didnt read the book, but those two pages are straight math right? cant go wrong...
if you understand how it works, all you have to do is find a way to do it.)
The RRSP company can take it from your paycheck or bank account automatically
and you dont even have to remember to save your money.

dec.28.05
Both of my parents lives have been tragedies in many ways...
so I learned to raise myself in this world.
I found wisdom in reading books on psychology and literary works like Proverbs.
If I had a father it would have been King Solomon, who showed me the way.
I still have much to learn in this world.
But I have some memories of my youth... I am told I was playing piano as soon as I could sit up.
I remember playing violin in a symphony orchestra at the age of thirteen.
My classical piano lessons started at age six, and violin at age nine.
I threw it all away at fourteen when I entered high school,
but it was enough to get me into university with one year of classical piano after that.
The music never left me.
I'm hitting the books again to see what I can learn
for a few weeks while I wait for the construction work on my new studio.

dec.26.05
I always come to the beach... to feel the tide...
winter, summer, rain, snow, sleet, hail, sunshine, night or day...
usually no one but me here, and the sunrise or sunset,
or stars in the sky... sea, tide, and sand...
listening to music with fresh ears, feeling what Ive missed for weeks,
seeing and experiencing this world with fresh eyes. I cant really describe it...
I dont want to miss whats important in life...
I never want to lose touch with myself, or where Im going,
even if I can only figure that out one day at a time, sometimes...
I never want to feel disconnected with the world around me.
I want to at least know who I am inside,
and not lose track of the greater picture of my life and my world...
I dont want to feel alone, even if I am misunderstood by almost everyone here at times,
or when I misunderstand everything, or make mistakes.
Life is too short to waste time and then wonder what happened.
Moments of understanding are precious to me.
So here I am at the beach, with my car, in the rain,
my laptop, poetry, art, soulful music, silver blue sky and sea,
for no reason, except to feel the tide, and to feel so connected here.

dec.23.05
Now that I am no longer sick... in retrospect,
it was probably good for me that all that happened.
It woke me up to the reality that life is short!!
Here I am in Canada, and I feel like I am doing nothing with my life.
It's easy here, I wouldn't accomplish anything by staying here 'in my mode'.
There's more to life than how I'm going to make a living in this world.
I am looking seriously at moving to UK
to hopefully find something worthwhile to do with my life after this.

dec.17.05
I was 19 when I walked into my first recording studio.
The producer there showed me how the entire thing worked.
I saw him in a bar a few years later, and he introduced me to his friends
as someone who would be a great producer one day.
I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.
He said in front of everyone, "No, you're going to be a great producer some day."
Well respect to Phil Manning of Courtice, ON, because I did become a producer at least...
I've produced a handful of records for other artists
but I've never bothered to release my own music yet...
that will probably change in the coming months and years.
This has been on my mind today... mainly because
I found some quality music out there yesterday, and feeling inspired -
remembering why I love music so much in the first place.
But it's difficult to see when you live in Canada,
you feel like you walk in darkness much of the time.
The industry is small here, it's a good learning ground,
but seems to lack any real opportunity.
But then opportunity is what you make it...
and no matter what your calling in life is,
if it is strong enough, it is almost inescapable.

dec.17.05
I never really wanted a life that was easy,
only a life that was real.

dec.16.05
Come join me on my secret websites coming soon...
http://www.myspace.com/GSYNTH
http://www.myspace.com/DJCIQ
They won't be secret forever...

dec.16.05
Everything in this world has tried to stop me from making music,
and everything in this world has failed.
My own family has never believed in me
or encouraged me in any of my dreams that have been important to me.
It often seems where I live more people misunderstand me than accept me.
The music industry shows itself cruel to artists in North America.
And I was born and grew up in Canadian cottage country,
an unlikely place for a female who plays electronic music on synthesizers.
But I cant change who I am... I have never been ordinary...
its just meant Ive had more to overcome - to find myself -
because no matter what others think of me, good or bad,
I will always be true to myself and who I am.

dec.11.05
Canada is such a unique country.
Toronto may be a world class city, but theres only 4 million people here,
and despite a strong artistic presence, very few artists make a living here.
Where I live now, an hour from the city...
it's quiet cottage country... only survival jobs out here...
sounds of rain and wind in the trees... quiet lakes and rivers...
a bit like a permanent vacation.
I think I saw a coyote on the road a few nights ago.
Most of my friends have given up on pursuing musical careers
in favour of staying in Canada, rather than moving to the USA.
It's easy to get a job and make a living here...
but difficult to make a lot of money except in certain pursuits.
For all I know, it might be the same everywhere else.

dec.11.05
I've made some major lifestyle changes to pursue my dreams.
Sometimes I feel so completely broke.
But I've learned this, to "never despise humble beginnings",
because they are your roots, and when those days are gone,
you wish for them again... they make you who you are.
I will never forget my first days promoting underground dance music events.
I will never forget my days assistant engineering in little rock clubs in Toronto.
I will never forget the bands I've played in.
And I'll never forget the people who made everything what it was...

dec.10.05
Deep inside of me there is a cry that will never go away.
It's a cry for knowledge, understanding and love.
A cry for the world to be at peace.
A cry for meaning.
Like hunger, it is satisfied temporarily
when I achieve things, learn, or express my art,
and then it returns...

dec.9.05
One of the most exciting nights of my life was
when I met my favourite breakbeat producer
in New York City, and we went dancing.
It was one of those moments when everything was perfect,
though a complete unexpected surprise...
I was caught up in the moment,
and everything else seemed to fade away.
A memory I will never forget.

dec.9.05
When I was young, my first boyfriend attempted suicide.
It made me terribly shy.
I rarely date men, because men rarely understand me.
Its going to take a unique and special guy to understand me,
and a patient, understanding guy to heal me.

dec.8.05
One of my music teachers once said,
never allow yourself to get too stressed out in any situation.
Just remember what's important in life... breathing.
If only I could remember that.

dec.8.05
I had this dream... I was on a long journey. I was going back to where I grew up. It was taking a long time.
I went almost all the way to my father's house. I stopped to look at the neighbours' houses,
and talked to some of the neighbours right beside a huge river I had crossed.
I asked them what kind of work was around here, and they said, "Who works?
Not many people around here are concerned about getting jobs."
The river seemed to draw me with an ethereal beauty and power.
It was the "river of peace in God"...
I've been so sick lately, and I could have died... and I had this dream.

dec.7.05
No matter where you live in the world, you almost always get
a beautiful sunrise and sunset every single day !!

dec.6.05
One of the things on my list NOT to do is to 'sell out'.
You have to be proactive, making decisions and creating measures for yourself to not 'sell out'.
Or you might just get caught up in what 'everyone else' is doing,
and 'everyone else' is just getting caught up in what 'everyone else' is doing.
Someone has to take the lead and set the standard for 'everyone else'
so people will keep their grip on reality.
Stay real.

dec.5.05
If you want to accomplish anything worthwhile,
you have to overcome obstacles and lots of personal frustration.
It's always worth it. Your reward is to see the effects of your efforts.
Never be afraid to go change your world and make it a better place.

dec.4.05
Lately I have come to terms with the fragility of my own life.
I've been quite sick and my car broke down a few times leaving me stranded.
In the midst of all this, the things that really matter have come to the surface.
All that really matters is love for each other...
even when you feel you have nothing to give,
what matters the most is love.

- Shana Christine Gray